Book description
Being turned into a vampire is the easy part. Actually becoming a
vampire is far more difficult.
What to look for in a coffin?
How to lure the tastiest prey?
How to stay on trend over the centuries?
Garlic and sunlight - as dangerous as they'd have us believe?
In today's world of vampire-obsessed pop culture, misinformation
abounds. A newly turned vampire who looks to films and novels for
answers to everlasting life's question risks being reduced to a
smouldering pile of dust. So where can you, a neophyte immortal, turn
for reliable information about leading your best and bloodiest
existence? The New Vampire's Handbook is the definitive guide,
and includes:
- a head-to-toe look at your vampiric body: how to harness your new
powers to dispatch mortal enemies, maintain your fangs, and embrace
your vampirosexuality
- methods for luring prey, faking your way through meals,
approaching other vampires, and creating a four-hundred-year financial plan
- tips on acting your "age," behaving appropriately if you
see a human you knew decades ago, and dealing with epic vampire feuds
- essential advice for blending in with the masses, from finding a
coven to avoiding the media (and mirrors) to staying on top of the
latest fashion trends
Welcome to the night.
Miles Proctor is AKA
The Onion's
Joe Garden, Chris Pauls, Anita Serwacki, and former
Onion
writers Scott Sherman and Janet Ginsburg, Together they have authored
The Dastardly Book for Dogs
(42k tcm) and
The Devious Book for Cats
(21k tcm).
